When Your Business Consumes You
I honestly never thought I’d be a business owner. Well, unless you count my long-harbored dream to own a bookstore, which apparently makes me no different from any other bookish woman on the internet.
But here I am, almost 32, 4 years into ~entrepreneurship~ and wondering when the hell I’ll feel “stable” again. That’s something I still struggle to wrap my mind around. My earning potential as a book coach and editor far surpasses my earning potential as an architect, but I haven’t been able to replace my old income (yet). It’s maddening.
And, it’s totally logical.
Because I’m still a one-woman show. I am the CEO, the visionary, the marketing department, accounting, head of lead generation and sales. I am the social media manager and the administrative assistant and legal and the operations/project manager. And, of course, I’m the employee.
So, while I would literally only need (4) 1:1 book coaching clients a month at my current rate to replace my (former) architect salary, getting those (4) clients at my current rate feels like a huge mountain to climb. Not to mention that self-employment taxes on top of income tax on top of business expenses means I’d have to actually work with (7) 1:1 clients at my current rate.
But I’m working on it. Because I really truly enjoy my work, and I am so much happier than I was 2 years ago (when I quit my architecture job to run my business full time).
And because Unpolished Words is so important to me, I let it consume me. From the moment my eyes open to the moment they close, the thoughts swirling in my brain look something like:
What meetings do I have today, again?
That feedback for Client J is due today.
Oh, don’t forget to check in with Clients F and C—write that down!
Ugh, I really gotta get back to making content. It’s been too long!
How much can I pay myself this week? Sweet! (Or, Crap!)
It’s a constant windstorm, and sometimes it rivals the tornado Anxiety caused in Riley’s brain in Inside Out 2. But I have trouble letting any other emotions take over. I often have these really wide mood swings that feel totally out of my control.
It’s trash.
So, in addition to therapy, I’ve started meditating regularly again. I’m in an embodiment program where I’ll hopefully learn to tap back into my greater sense of self and spirituality. And I’m being more intentional about doing things outside of work (like this blog dedicated to self-expression).
I’m reading again. I plan to start exercising regularly again and to rejoin my social groups (including my own family—yes, it’s gotten that bad), no matter how awkward or ashamed it makes me feel to have withdrawn in the first place.
I’m trying. Because while Unpolished Words has a huge chunk of me in it, it can’t have all of me. That’s toxic AF, and we don’t do toxic around here. Consumption be gone. ✌🏽
Featured Photo by Karen Laårk Boshoff